Bad Holiday Poetry

Every few years I feel compelled to screw up that classic Christmas poem, "The Night Before Christmas", and change all the words around to shed a little light on things that transpired in my life that year, then send copies of the creation to friends and family who would normally be wondering why they hadn't received a Christmas Card from me..... yet..... this year......

Anyway, its a cute little waste of 20 minutes that always gets a holly jolly chuckle, smirk, or snort, while at the same time making the reader feel like they just received a designer-imposter peek into the life and times of the hack, er, writer, without any actual, factual information being relayed or even admissible in a court of law. It could be fun. Try it! I'd love to see what you come up with. Here's mine for 2020.

(Hint: it makes it a bit funnier if you are aware that I, personally, did have a duck who was a little slow of study when it came to learning to fly, AND also have a small dog who, occasionally, has seemingly unwarranted, anxiety issues)(We also dress like farmers way more than what fashion magazines recommend, even for farmers)


Twas the night before lock down and all round our town, every a-hole had been binge-shopping and no T.P. could be found. There was Ma in her 'Dickies' and Pa in his 'Mucks', each gave the other an unlicensed haircut to save a few bucks. All the sugar starved kiddos had been tied to, uh, tucked into their beds, "They finally shut up!" I commanded, "Quick get Granny her meds!" When out on the back patio, poop hit the fan like never seen before, a small duck was coming in for a landing but instead crashed into the glass sliding door. The impact shook the whole building, and made a sound like eeeeeeeeee....qua-whak..ak....ahhhhhhhhh..........splat. Scared the pooch at the door, wanting to be let out, so bad, that instead, it piddled on my 'seasons greetings' door mat. The next thing we knew, all the neighbors porch lights started coming on, then my car alarm sounded off, earthworms began to surface on the lawn. Any person who'd retained most their hearing up until then, scattered quickly to find keys with the magical clicker. That would then put an end to the sound polution, all the while the crowd on m'lawn getting thicker. All them folks were dressed down in holiday p.j.s just as warm as their angry faces, there was duck feathers and wood chips stuck to wool socks and in other strange places. And amidst the commotion, below strings of red and green LED lights, no one noticed the flashing blue lights, or the officer coming to read us our rights. Some might argue the squad car, that night, looked a bit like Santa's sleigh, and the rookie writing us all tickets looked like rudolph, only facing the wrong way. The next morning, all grumbled , as we stood in the court clerk's lines...for gathering in groups of ten or more we were there to pay our fines. Not a soul, except the dog, that peed on my floor, that night, saw a man, all in red, run by with a duck on a stretcher and away, out of sight. Just one more oddity, in this year's bucket of weird shit, we survived through sheer luck, this Christmas, along with cheer and merriment, Santa's fat ass had better bring back my duck. Followed then, by his signature nose flick and toward chiminey start- Merry Christmas to all- keep your asses six feet apart.

Happy holidays from your quirky masked friends ( not Batman and Robin, the other ones),

Love So and so, such and such, so forth and so on.

Whatever you celebrate, or dont celebrate, folks, enjoy it. Life is too short.


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